Picture it. Kannapolis, North Carolina. Carolina Mall. The store? Bath and Body Works. Yes, that place filled with the unending supply of sickly-sweet scented bath gel, bubble-bath, frangrance sprays and otehr such girly things that noone ever needs, but buys anyway.
Enter me. encouraged by my darling shopaholic husband who, like his father, can't ever pass up a 'deal'. Add to the blend my Best Gay, who like any girl, must have these generally foul-smelling concoctions .. though in his defense, the ones he likes are the most tolerable of the bunch.
Thankfully, it's a bad day. Or, I'm assuming so. There's only two salesgirlfreaks in the store, and neither of them even speak to us when we enter. A good thing, in my estimation. I can't stand being attacked the moment I set foot within their radar. We're hunting for a few things. Now, granted, we find some items we want. One shower gel that smells rather heavenly and is being discontinued .. so hence we must buy some .. and a few others that are just a good deal, and between the two of us we can split the cost. But this does not excuse the moronic behavior that will ensue.
First there is the quest. There is, on one very smelly table, a quantity of 'Anti-bacterial Gentle Instant hand foam'. In many odd scents that do not belong on ones hands. Cucumber melon comes to mind, as well as country apple. Ick. But there are alos a couple that I do like. Sweet pea, as well as Sun-ripened raspberry. But the sale is 5 for $9.99. I do not need multiples of these intriguing bottles, but there are not enough scents that I will use, and I will grow bored of them, surely. Now, after much perusal, we cannot find anything else on this table that would be useful and worth taking home with us. Not even the conditioner bottles that would be used up in three uses. So I decide, in my wisdom, to only purchase two. This will be $8, rather than getting 5 things for $10. This seems intelligent to me. Why, you ask? Because spending $2 more for things I -will not use- seems quite foolish.
Now, we decide, because we are all getting headaches from the overpowering aroma of far too many scented products in once room, to check out. Enter Kendall. Kendall is a bubbly, cheer-leaderish salesgirl who can't remember where anything goes. This is why Kendall is working at Bath and Body Works. Kendall has done nothing to earn my approval. And yet, Kendall thinks that I am unworthy because I do not succomb to the 'Buy 5 for $9.99' temptation. She tries once to pursuade me to pick out 3 more items and I, rather nicely and even with a smile upon my face, tell her I'm not interested in the sale. She tries a second time without even taking a breath, and looks to my two male companions, who both insist quite firmly that I have made my mind up and will not be pursuaded.
What does Kendall do? Kendall, in her infinite wisdom, pouts. Now, I ask you: how effective does this air-headed, chubby, cosmetic-covered twenty-something think pouting is going to be with someone who has said no twice? Do you, you mall-working sorority-girl, think that I am impressed by how far out your bottom lip and go? Do you really think I will break down in fits of tears and say 'Alright, please, pick me out 3 random things so I may buy into your overwhelingly effective sales techniques!' Umm. No.
Kendall then tries again, with big, sad eyes and clutching my two bottles of smelly foam to her chest. As though I were abandoning puppies by not spending two more dollars. This annoys the Tania. This annoys the Tania very much. I have already had an experience with the Bath and Body Works staff of another mall who would not understand that just because a thing is 'buy 2 get one free' does not mean I must have 3 of them. I only want what I want. And who are they to tell me what I should spend my money on?
Brandon and Jason both seem to move closer together at this point, effectively cerating a wall between myself and Kendall. This is both wise and foolish. Had I thought her reaction to my dressing-down of her worthless hide would be worth my time, I might have proceeded to explain to her in no uncertain terms what she could do with the three bottles of foam she wanted me to purchase, which would likely have been shoving them all at once up her smelly cunt .. they likely would all fit at once anyway, as I'm sure she's been had by everyone within a 100-mile radius.
I chose the better part of valor however, much to my boys' delight, and simply said 'No thank you.' I am quite certain the flames in my eyes at that moment, not to mention the pentacle hovering oh-so-prominently above my breasts, dissuaded her from saying anything more. I did not, however, stick around to find out. I said, quite pointedly, 'I'll be leaving now.' and turning on my heel I walked to the front of the store, pacing and glaring at the sweet little twit known as Kendall.
My boys followed me out not very long after, and quickly ushered me away from the store, which I will never again set foot within. Especially not if Kendall the wonder-bra is there. I'll probably shove a bottle of bath-bubbles down her throat. But I'm sure she'd just start bobbing her head instinctively.