the tygher and her roar (tygher) wrote in dysfunction03,
the tygher and her roar

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Psychic Internet Tech Support, My name is Zelda ..

Some of you know, and some of you are about to find out, that I work for a Internet Service Provider. This has been my delight and my dismay for nearly 5 years now. Having secured a spot on the third shift, I pretty much have nothing to do most of the time, hence why my own LJ tends to get rather prolific, especially on slow nights.

This also gives me plenty of time to write about the idiots that call in. I'm sure, as nights go by, I'll manage some customer-specific posts. They can be quite amusing, apparently. For me, it's therapy to write about them. For now, however, I'll just give you an overview of what I deal with on a nightly basis. Consider it, if you will, a prologue.

One of the most common forms of idjit is the 'Idjit Without a Clue'. This creature doesn't know anything. Not their username. Not their OS. Sometimes, not even their name. They are no help when trying to troubleshoot a problem. Most can't even double-click. I get more of these than I care to think about, and am forever teaching customers basic computer terms, such as 'desktop' - which is -not- the surface you put your coffee-cup upon - and 'icon' and 'monitor'. I have twice had to explain to customers how to put the '@' in an email address. I have had to explain to them that the first part of their email address is indeed their username. It's not that these people are not teachable, usually. They just didn't bother to familiarize themselves with the computer before venturing out on the Internet. Occasionally, there's a real stupid one who just has no clue whatsoever. When this happens, if I'm lucky, they can follow instructions at least. If not .. that's why they put the hangup button right next to the mute button.

Next we have the 'Network Engineer/Administrator/SysAdmin'. This moron works in the IT field in some way, shape or form, and thinks that this qualifies him to do my job. Well, great. You took a class and got a little certificate. Maybe you actually do work on an internal network. You're probably making more than I am then. But guess what. All that training doesn't mean shit if you have to call me up and ask me a question. So put that arrogant attitude up your rectum for a while and just listen. Don't try to anticipate what you think I'm going to have you do. I'll do it differently just for spite. Just because you can setup a 50-machine network doesn't mean you have the faintest fucking clue how to correctly power-cycle your home computer, or can navigate a dialer's properties and know exactly how things should be set up. It's why you called me, moron. Let me do my job.

One of my favorites is the 'Jane, spelled S-A-R-A-H'. These are the people that have a username that by all rights should be easy to spell, but isn't. I've had 'Ford' spelled 'Foarde'. I've had 'Jenny' spelled 'Ghehni'. The combinations are endless. So unless you really think my name is Zelda and that I can just guess your username, don't act all surprised when I ask you to spell it for me. And don't huff and puff unless you're blowing a pig's house down. Just answer the question. It'll make your life easier if I get the right information.

Let me see. Oh yes. The ever popular 'English as a Second Language'. It doesn't matter where you're from, either. If English isn't your first language and you can't speak it fluently, find someone else to call in. We don't have the luxury of having multi-lingual technicians. If your accent is bad enough to make your speech indecipherable, then we're not going to be able to do a damned thing for you. This goes double if your computer OS is in a foreign language. I actually had once a customer whose computer was Korean. And I mean, everything was shown in Korean. Which some people may know, doesn't translate well. It's bad enough that you can't speak english .. but if your computer can't either? Just hang up.

Irates. My favorite. Irates are what we call a belligerent customer who has decided that all of tech support is against them and has ceased listening to a thing I am saying. Usually this is accompanied by colorful language, raised voices and abusive behavior. I've personally been told to suck someone's cock before. As well as being called a bitch, a broom-rider, a cunt, a fucking cunt, a whore, and a stupid idiot. Now, I can assure you I'm not a stupid idiot. I wouldn't be here for 5 years if that were the case. I have a cunt, but I am not a walking one. I do not walk on Trade St, and I make less than a whore, so that rules that out. I have been known to be a bitch at times, but that doesn't give -you- the right to call me that. Broom-rider however is my favorite. The customer saying this to me undoubtedly meant it as an insult ... he was apparently too 'Christian' to call me a bitch, or even a witch. What amuses me is I -am- a Witch. So his 'insult' just made me laugh. Which undoubtedly made him more angry, but I couldn't help it. Oh, and to the charming young man who oh-so-elegantly told me to suck his cock? I wonder how he's enjoying all that homosexual porn that's flooding his mailbox? Don't piss of the ISP. We know how to find you.

I have one parting shot to give you, that is the ultimate in 'Do Not Do This'. I once had a customer that was a difficult problem, and I was having to put them on hold numerous times to get some responses from my supervisor. Well, one such time .. and I promise you this man had only been on hold a maximum of 5 minutes, and was told I would be back .. I returned, and put on my headset to hear heavy breathing. Now, generally I would just speak up, but this sounded suspicious, so I paused. Only to hear moaning.

Now, I know what you're thinking. He was masturbating. I only wish. I've had that before. I've even had a couple guys receiving fellatio while I fixed their problem .. their computer problem anyway. But no. This man was having sex. How do I know, because not a 30 seconds after I returned I heard her moaning as well.

I blanched. I looked at my supervisor and held out the headset saying 'Please tell me they are not doing what I think they're doing.' He listened for a moment and then smirked. They were. The customer had apparently gotten so bored and horny that he and his wife/girlfriend/daughter (hey, some of our customers are in West-bygod-Virginia!) were having sex. And close enough to the phone that I could hear the bed squeaking, and both of them moaning as softly as they could manage. This was far beyond anything I could handle. I waited, hoping they'd finish. 5 minutes went by, then 10. They were still at it. I finally had to terminate the call, being completely unable to compose myself enough to interrupt this couple.

So my final word of advice? Fuck before you call your tech support. We appreciate it.
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